Just My Mind

are u a liar? or did u ever tell a lie? i bet u did.

because i did too.

here is my confession...

i lied when i told u that i liked ur cooking.

just to appreciate u.

i lied when i told u i had the money.

not to make u so worried about ur sarjana degree.

i lied when i told u i wasn't tired.

so i could help u.

i lied when i told u that i was ok as we stood in front of my dad's tomb.

never wanted to show u the tears because it could make u weak.

i lied when i told u that u looked so good wearing that dress.

didn't really want to irritate u

***

telling a lie is wrong, but i'm sure sometimes we have to lie to take good care of other's feeling.
not for ur own goodness.

He is the only best friend of mine now.
I couldn't talk anything with anyone else but him. I've cried on his shoulder so many times that I can't really count.
Once he said that crying is ok, but I can't cry all the time to make everything ok. So, I'm trying to be tough, not to be weak. It doesn't mean that I stop crying.
I just get up soon, and he's always there to help me.
Thanks to him.
He is the only best friend of mine now and I just know he feels the same.
He always says that he is the best for me, that he is trying to do the best.
I trust him.
Really.
He tries to wake up early, go to work early, and come home late. Just to do the best for me, for us, for our babies who haven't come yet.
I know I'm mad to him often because I think he doesn't care. But he's never tired to convince me that I'm wrong.
'I love you. What I'm doing now is because I love you.' So he said.
My tears fell down in happiness.
He chats with mom so often. He gives her jokes. He makes her laugh. He respects her a lot. Since he is the only man in our family now, mom depends on him so much. She believes in him. He's her own son.
My two sisters do the same. I can't be their older sister all the time, but this man can be their older brother whenever they want.
Two thumbs for him.
He's a dreamer. He said dreams make him alive. Dreams make him so powerful. He shares his dreams with me every night. He said that he needs me to reach all his dreams because there's always me in his every dream.
So, here I am, by his side, always...
The dark is getting tight now and I'm still having a great pleasure looking at him while he's sleeping. He looks so tired after working a whole day. I know that he's tired but he never says so. He's still sleeping. Can't wake him up easily then...
Good night, dear...
Have a nice dream! I love you so much...
I said so and kissed his forehead firmly as I prayed to God to protect him wherever he is.

(It's a great pleasure to see him while he's sleeping.)

"Wah, anak tunggal? Enak dong, minta apa-apa diturutin!"
"Coba jadi PNS! Pulang cepet, gaji tiap bulan ngalir..."

It's just the same problem as I dealt with when the first time I came. What makes different would only be my spirit. But that's really making the bigger problem. I'm so desperate...

Dear my students...
I wish you could come into my head and find out that my brain is spinning around
just to find a way to get you all with me while I'm saying hello
So you wouldn't be so busy by yourselves
I wish you could come into my mind and see that there are so many things
I want to tell you about this world
So you would pay attention to me a little while
I wish you could go through my heart and feel my love for you
So you wouldn't be that cruel to me
Making me so desperate

In the beginning, I believed that I could be their teacher, their parents, and their friends.
and I've been trying hard, trying my best.
But today I'm not so sure...
I'm a desperate English teacher...